When Is It Ever Wrong To Love?
by MelMat
Summary: Matt finally got the nerve to kiss Mello,and Mello freaks out and Matt leaves. When Mello goes to look for Matt,he finds him with an unlikely someone.


_**Disclaimer:** Matt and Mello belong to Death Note creators, Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata_

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><p><em>This was my very first fanfic ever, I didn't know if I wanted to post it here but anyway. It was written a while back around Nov 2010.<em>

**_Note: I think I have Mello a little "this isn't happening" emotional in this one, but to me Matt would be the only one that could make Mello like that_**

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><p>Matt pulled Mello close to him, his lips meeting those beautiful pouty lips he had always dreamed about kissing. Mello pulled away quickly.<p>

"Why did you do that?" Mello said, eyes stared hard at Matt. Mello backed away from Matt, and asked again " Why?" with a slight tremble in his voice.

"I wanted to, if just once." Matt replied back. "No, on second thought.." looking back at Mello with a certain hurt in his eyes, "I needed to." he stated sternly.

This took Mello by surprise, "what the fuck is wrong with you, Matt? Seriously?"

Mello went to step towards Matt, but Matt threw his arms up and stepped back.

"Don't, just don't.. Mello, leave me the fuck alone. I got my answer." Matt said as he shook his head

" What fucking answer?, I didn't answer a fucking thing? I just asked you why? Mello stated looking rather confused.

Matt looked at Mello, more like studied him for a second or two. Then it all came out, in one brief moment, seven years of pent up feelings and another four years of hurt and anger came spilling out.

"Actually Mello, I got my answer years ago when you fucking left me there, alone at Wammys. You left me Mello, like I was nothing to you." Mello watched as Matt's voice and body changed as he started to yell.

" I'm your fucking best friend god damn it !" Matt was going to continue, but was interrupted.

" Matt, I won't tell you again, don't use God's name like that." Mello let out his furious statement back, as Matt looked at him.

"You just don't get it do you?" Matt said, giving him a slight sarcastic laugh, "Oh, so there is something the mighty Mello, doesn't get or maybe I am just not worth the effort." throwing a comment that Matt knew deep inside he shouldn't have, but did anyway. Matt turned towards the door.

"You know what MELLO?" Matt gave his best icy tone

Mello's anger shifted, he said nothing, but felt the poisonous venom that dripped from the sound of his name coming out of Matt's mouth as he looked back at him.

" I could care less about God. The only thing, no, the only person in this world I want or care about I can't have because of "your" precious GOD." he said coldly, as he walked out the door into the corridor of the apartment building.

Mello could hear the thud of the boots on the metal stairs as he descended down, until nothing. The sound of Matt's engine revved loudly and in seconds Matt was gone. Mello's eyes still wide, the feeling of disbelief over what was just said. Mello knew that Matt really didn't believe in God, but Matt never felt the need to question or to out right mock God to Mello knowing Mello's faith was the only thing he had left of his life, before Wammy's and Mello guarded it with everything. There were countless times Mello had pushed it to the limit, even surpassed it, and in the cold confines of the hideout, in his bed, he would cry his prayers of forgiveness.

Mello wishing and wanting Matt to comfort him like when they were kids, before "other" feelings and their age got in the way. When a hug was a hug and the little electrical pulses didn't send feelings to other places. When he could be next to Matt talking to him and not feel weird as he suppressed his "more than friendship feelings" within him. Mello knew Matt wasn't the only one with these feeling, but he was the only one who could admit them freely.

Mello wouldn't act on them, he couldn't. They go against everything he was brought up to believe in. He couldn't love Matt back, not the way Matt needed him too. Matt is his best friend. Mello would never hurt him. Matt was the only person that was immune to Mello's chaos back at Wammys, and God help anyone who touched or tormented Matt. Even a slightly suggestive word, was a trip to the infirmary, if heard. Yet, today he could feel his heartbreaking into millions of pieces. He hurt Matt, just with the question of WHY? sending their argument into a downward spiral.

Mello was brought out of his mind, by a stinging pain. He had been clutching his rosary so tight, it had pierce his palm. When did he ever reach for it? He looked at it, as the sharp edge of the cross stuck out of his hand, like if to say, " a true believer feels the pain and endures it,and only then shall he see the truth that is heaven."

Mello knew he was waging a war within himself. The only thing he feared was which side would win? and could he live with the repercussions. Mello looked over at the clock on the stove. Matt had been gone for hours, it seemed. Mello had never felt so alone, as he did at this point. He sat there for a few minutes, staring at the gaming consoles and the endless stacks of games. He missed the annoying beeps and bleeps, Matt's obsessive over-smoking, actually he just missed Matt. Mello realized in that split second, everything he had fought so hard to keep buried deep inside just flooded to the surface. All the feelings at Wammys, and now here. He had no need to pray for his soul anymore, it was already damned years ago. Mello had controlled the physical feelings for Matt, even if he couldn't admit to himself he even had them, but not the emotional, and that was just as bad, if not worse. The emotional love he felt couldn't be waved away, like the physical. Lust was a deadly sin, yes, but it was done, prayed to be forgiven, and try not to do it again. Matt was different. Mello sank back into the couch, as the second wave of admittance washed over him. He was indeed in love with Matt. There was no more denying it. He couldn't after Matt's kiss look at the red-head any longer without wanting to hold him, kiss him, touch him, say all that he felt, knowing it still wouldn't be enough. Today, he hurt Matt in a way unlike any other. He took a gesture of love and devotion that Matt had for him and he questioned it with a "Why?" He made it seem cheap and cold. The night went on, and the hours grew colder.

"Where is he? He has had plenty of time to calm down." Mello stated as he looked out the window.

Mello decided to get his jacket on, he grabbed his keys and walked out the door. Mello was in such a hurry that for the first time in his life he forgot his chocolate. Which was still sitting on the counter. The night air felt great rushing against him. Mello felt light about himself, like a burden had been lifted that he carried for so long.

Mello found himself outside their favorite pub. It was small but, they liked the atmosphere. Mello's face lit up when he saw the red classic car he knew so well. Mello stood by his bike, and took a few seconds to focus on what he was about to do. This might be easy for some people, but to him, it was one of the hardest things he'd ever do. That he, was about to go in and tell his best friend, that he is in love with him. Mello paused at the door, took a deep breath and walked through it. He was about ten feet through the door when he noticed something odd. There was Matt, and someone was with him. Mello's eyes went as wide a saucers.

" Oh, fucking hell no",he thought to himself." What the fuck is "HE" doing here, and with Matt, no less. Mello had two options, one being walk up to them and demand to be told what was going on, or to turn around and walk away. It was at that moment, Mello decided he would turn and walk away.

Matt looked up and saw Mello walk out the door. He knew it was him, even without seeing his face. Matt had watched that body, topped with a halo of beautiful blonde hair for years on end. It took him a minute or two to register, "shit, Mello was here and he saw me with. oh, fucking damn it!" he said in a desperate tone, leaving money on the table and no explanation. He ran out the door into the parking lot.

"Why did I wait so long? I could have caught him before he left. Now I don't know where he is going?" he mumbled out loud. "Damn it!"

Matt was figuring out if he should go home or look for HIS blonde. Matt laughed to himself, as if Mello would ever be his, but deep inside, he knew he only had eyes for said blonde. God he there were days he seemed to be more trouble then a hundred pissed off ex-girlfriends. Matt decided he would head home, knowing Mello would eventually come home, if he wasn't already there. Matt pulled into his spot and turned the car off. He saw Mello's bike, so he knew he was home. Matt sat for a second or two, trying to collect his thoughts before walking into the wolves den. He had been caught red handed with the "enemy." How was he going to get out of this one? he groaned, but got out of the car.

Matt looked up and noticed Mello standing in the window, and a chill went through his body. Why was he feeling like this? Mello had never hit him or even tried to raise his hand to him, even when it was a fight. Mello always let Matt throw his punches and then asked if he was done with a cocky smirk on his face, like he enjoyed getting the emotional reaction from the red-head.

Matt looked back up and noticed the window empty, then it hit him, tonight might be it. Mello could walk out and never come back. A deep sadness washed over Matt at this point. He couldn't imagine living without Mello again. The time he left Wammy's was the darkest days, and then he found Mello again. Even though, it wasn't a perfect reunion. It was theirs, at first Mello wouldn't even talk to Matt. Mello at first just wanted him to go away. He couldn't have Matt here with him. Matt pleaded until Mello could no longer tell him no and as weeks went by, they had laughed, and caught up with things that had happened. Mello had a lot more to divulge then Matt did. He being Mafia and all, but Matt had his hacking and designing video-games for the next generation of prodigy gamers.

Matt shook his head, he was getting sidetracked again in remembering one of the greatest moments of his life. He had found Mello. Matt walked up the stairs, turned the doorknob and opened the door. Matt found Mello sitting on the couch, legs up on the table and chocolate in his hand.

"Mello?" Matt got no response.

" Mello, I know you can hear me?" Matt's voice came out slightly sadden then he wanted.

" I know you were mad at me earlier, but "him" Matt- Why?" came a small but stern voice.

" I can't talk to other people, Mello?" Matt gave a quicker reply then normal.

"Honestly, I don't see what the problem is, anymore? I am your fri.." Matt was cut short.

" Best" was said harshly out loud.

"ok, Mello "best" friend is that better for you. I mean I should just be grateful, I am even that to you, giving that you don't let anyone close to you at all. Yet, in all these years, I am still right beside you as always, being the ever true loyal little fucking puppy." Sarcasm fell from Matt's voice.

" Loyal? True? Do you even know the meaning of those words, Matt?" Mello's emotional aggressive tone was showing more.

The tone made Matt want to throw up, but instead just fired back at him.

" Yes, I do? I am still here, aren't I? You left me years ago, but I went running to find you. I stayed here right beside you, knowing that I will never be more to you than what I am now, even if it breaks me daily to have you next to me, but I can't breath when you are gone. Mello, let me ask you something. Do you know what it feels like to want, have it so close you can touch it, only to have it taken from you or better words, can't have?" Matt asked as Mello looked down at his lap.

"Do you Mello?" Matt snapped at him.

Mello looked up, his blue eyes caught the orange tinted goggles.

" Matt, I have lived my life, knowing that feeling?" coldly stated."- but that still doesn't tell me, why him? of all people, why him? Why does that little fucker always have to have what I want?"

Oblivious to what was just said, Matt, growled." Fucking Near, it is always about Near. You know what Mello? There are times I wish I was Near, cause Near has had your attention from day one. I wish I had the passion from you that it takes to hate Near as much as you do, but sadly I don't get to have that either.I am just your "best friend", partner in crime, personal hacker and puppy."

Mello sat and let Matt finish his little rant, as much as it angered him.

" You done yet, lil' Matty?" was said with his signature smirk.

Matt laughed at him, it wasn't cold or happy. It was one Mello had never heard before, it took him by surprise.

"Just tell me why you were with him, Matt?" Mello suddenly screamed at Matt.

"Mello, I called him cause I had no one else to talk to." Matt explained.

"No one else to talk to? You have me asshole, you went to him cause you needed to talk! That is fucking great." Mello shouted as he stood in the middle of the room.

Matt moved to his Xbox, it was the weekend and he had Xbox Live to keep him busy.

"Matt, what are you doing?" Mello said confusingly.

"what does it look like?" Matt fires back at him.

" Are you not even..." but never finished, Mello was cut off with..

" How did you know where I was? Did you have me followed Mello? What the fuck? I have my own space to you know? Damn, I just needed to get away from you. Seriously, you don't know what you do to me. Do you really think it would be easy for me to walk away, to never see you again. Is that what you want Mello? Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I can't because you are the only one that keeps me breathing. Yes, I know it is pathetic, but it's true."

Matt looked up, but Mello wasn't in the living room anymore. Instead Mello sat on the edge of the tears that threatened to fall, he couldn't allow Matt to see. He had only cried a few times in front of his best friend. Mello refused to look powerless to Matt as a grown man. Mello laid on his side and curled up as he heard the controller hit the wall.

" FUCK, YOU CAN'T EVEN LISTEN TO ME FOR A FEW MINUTES? " Matt screamed as he threw himself back against the couch, arms wrapping around his legs, chin resting on his knee. Silence, uncontrollable silence permeated the apartment. Matt sat there on the floor in tears, rocking himself against the couch, as Mello curled up in a fetal position on the bed, also in tears. Mello hated feeling this way. This wasn't him, he was strong willed, and fierce. Only Matt could reduce him to this state, not even the death of L, brought him to this feeling as of now, and when a loud noise of crashing furniture, games, empty and full glasses hit the walls, and everything in the living room. It literally startled Mello, giving Matt had never lost his temper this bad before. Matt was the calm one of the two. He heard Matt out there, kicking, crying, screaming.

Mello, rose off the bed, walking slowly down the hall to the living room, as games were flying around, just from a shear kick to the pile. To Matt his games were his lifeline, but even now, they were nothing to him. It wasn't till Mello heard-

" I am done, I can't do this anymore." did Mello understand the extent of emotion Matt was in.

" I LOVE YOU" Mello said out loud." I do, Matt. I love you, I have loved you for years. I wanted to tell you that earlier tonight. I can't live without you. I went to find you, so I could tell you how sorry I was, and I found you with HIM." he added in a voice Matt wasn't to sure of, as he stood there speechless.

Mello turned to walk away.

" Mello, you can't tell me that and then walk away, come back here. Please, just talk to me. I am sorry about the Near thing. I swear, it wasn't done' to hurt you, or to even one up you in our argument. If you must know, I went crying to him like a little bitch cause I couldn't take you not being able to love me, like I love you and.." Matt was cut off this time.

" Matt, how can you say that I don't love you the same as you love me? I have done nothing but give you respect, friendship, and faithful adoration. Isn't that what love is built upon? Matty, I love you. I sat here today, thinking of all this. Well, not of Near, but us. Not Mello or Matt, but us. I came to the conclusion that I am already damned, cause I love you so much, it hurts to not be with you. I have held it in for so long, you not being here today made me realize a lot of things. I want you in my life. NO, I NEED YOU, in my life, and not just as my friend, or as a lover, but as both. You are the only constant, beautiful part of my life." Mello stated.

Then pulled Matt's goggles over his head, tossing them gently to the sofa cushions. Mello saw Matt's eyes for the first time that whole day at that moment. His emerald green eyes pooled more tears, as Mello wiped them from his face.

"Beautiful Matty..oh, and god you are beautiful." Mello said over and over again as he kissed the lips that held his temptation of hell fire.

Matt caved in all at once, as his arms wrapped around Mello, taking all Mello had to offer him, not knowing if it would all end in a second.

" Mello, your reli.." Matt was cut short yet again.

" Matty, I was to far gone already to deny anything anymore, When we were younger, it was easier, you know. We could hide the affection as little kids do, it wasn't until we were older that we had to face facts but, I chose to walk the other way and L's death helped me in a way. Matty, I chose to leave you there, at Wammy's. I had reasons, one for your safety. I was going after Kira and you needed to stay safe, but the other was as long as you weren't there, my greatest temptation couldn't weakening me, but here you are. You are the most beautiful person in the world to me. I can't deny you any longer. I love you and I need you more than anything or anyone in this life. " Mello watched Matt's reaction.

Matty, say something, plea..." Mello's voice had so much emotion in it.

Matt leaned over and took Mello's face in his hands.

" Mi.." Matt started saying, but was cut short with the "don't even call me that" look on Mello's took a deep breath , and leaned towards Mello. He felt Matt's breath on his ear as Matt whispered"Mello, you are my life.." and kissed him.

Mello couldn't contain the feelings anymore as he broke down. Matt held him for the first time since they were kids back at Wammy's. The little innocent, golden haired angel came flooding back into Matt's life.

"I will always be here for you, with you, and I would die to protect you- if that's what it took." Matt said with the most loving voice ever, kissing Mello's forehead.

They both sat on the couch watching computer screens. Mello fell asleep, head resting on Matt's shoulder. Matt's fingers gently brushing through Mello's soft blonde hair. Matt thinking how in love he was with the man asleep in his lap, his love, his life.. his Mello.


End file.
